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Updated: Dec 8, 2020

I know I’m trying not to feel.

For all these years I’ve been pushing the pain away or just pushed it deeper inside of me.

Tried to ignore it.

Pretending it’s gone.

I’m fine thank you, has been my standard answer.

Sometimes I got angry, like real angry, not because a major thing happened. But it was like a wolf wanting to get out of its prison, an uncontrollable wolf that awakened inside of me and wanted to kill.

I believe that’s the pain, trying to speak, trying to come out.

There is no such thing as avoid pain or hurt.

It’s all about working through.

Feeling through.

Releasing through the emotion.

For years and years, I suppressed and oppressed my own feelings.

One day the wolf was too strong, I couldn’t hold him back. I’ve hurt the one I love the most.

We all know hurt people hurt people.

That became my reality.

Now that has broken the relation.

Forever, I guess.

How could I do that?

On the I’ve heard a calm voice on the inside say; because you have hidden pain trying to come out.

Like the volcano flooding with lava, the pain will speak its own language.

Projection, rejection, self-destruction.

Cry the old story out!

I heard that loud and clear.

You will never get it out if you don’t let it out.

It’s like you have been putting clothes in your closet, the old ones wont disappear only because you buy new ones.

You need to remove them yourself.

Take action.

Now my eyes started to tearing

Why have I’ve been holding on for so long?

Then it was there again, the inner voice.

You weren’t ready, there is no blame.

There is only a now and a next.

Tears dripping, years of pain falling to the ground.

I’m starting to release.

I will be free.

I will cry my old story out.

The burden on my heart, even on my chest and in my mind will get lighter.

Letting go.

Forgiveness of the past is preparation for the future.

It’s going to be brighter.

My awareness is raising.

The future, that I almost counted as not worth living, is now starting to fill with hope.

I can see the pain is not a part of me.

It’s only a layer of emotions caused by experiences, words, negative self-talk, simply life itself.

That is not chained to my identity.

But now since I feel the light.

I might not get the relationship back but I won’t hold on to it.

Past is past for a reason, said the inner voice.

More tears - more release – more light.

The space in my heart that this “crying the old story out” is huge.

It takes time to clean out but the voice keeps telling me; it’s not just worth it but you are worth it. Keep going.

I start dreaming

The inside of me has space

The pain is gone

The old story is out

The tears are dry

I’m vibrant

I’m alive

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